I love drinking. True. Life. But there are certain things in my life that I feel provoke said drinking.
A few of those things are..grandma..whom you already know as Crazy. My 62 year old talking 3 year old. Shopping with my mother. Auburn games. Mexico. Anytime Dave feels the need to talk "budgets." And the one that never fails to have me turning to the sweet nectar of the gods...my kitchen sink disposable brother Jon. -see above picture-
Jon...is a rare breed. He's full blooded Mayan indian..which I love because I believe that makes me one step closer in landing a position as a Guatemalan government official..I hear they get free tequila.
Tequila!
He's also the state's two timing national weight lifting champion. Since he won this title I see it only fit to introduce him as such to everyone.."This is my brother Jon. He's the two timing national state weight lifting champion."
Much like my title will be one day when he introduces me "This is my sister Bekah. She's heir to the English throne and has recently been in relations with a Guatemalan government official ..she gets free tequila."
Tequila!
Jon can eat whatever he wants. I did not realize to the extent of this until this weekend. Now I understand maintaining your status as the boss and preparing for certain triathlons and being called the next Hercules provides pressures and a certain extremes. This I am very familiar with. Very similar to the extreme measures NASA is making me undergo before I can fly on the next mission.
As I'm sitting at the kitchen table re-reading my Calvin and Hobbes collectors book, Jon decides he needs to "refuel."
I sat in full stun stare as he rummaged through the kitchen. Here is an example of what I looked like..same hat and everything.
Clearly. Utter shock.
Jon cooks the following for his first meal.
Twelve eggs equipped with cheese. A whole pot of spaghetti and meatballs.. a whole loaf of bread. Some chili concoction left over from last week..couple baked potatoes. All the bananas. Apples. I lost count. Unknown substance. And a gallon of milk.
Then he is apparently what the children refer to as "amped up" and heads out to work out for 2 hours. This is just a warm up.
After this he returns to the kitchen to eat what I like to call "round two." This consist of:
A whole pizza, three boxes of ice cream, more spaghetti, a plate full of sandwichs for what looks to be 35 people, box of mac and cheese, whole box of instant mashed potatoes, which he separates and makes some sort of heman dish. Two steaks, three pieces of grilled chicken. The food in the entire bottom refrigerator door and a muffin.
I witnessed with my own eyes. 3% of me was in pure admiration. 58% was hating and 21% was working on my Jedi power to get him to burst into flames.
I now realize that all the food in the garage, the freezer and extra three refrigerators aren't just because EngiDave thought the Y2K was coming..it's simply to store a weeks supply of food for Jon.
This is what drives me to drink. Here I sit with one lettuce leaf on my salad and carefully portioned water.
I dare you to live a day at my house and not allocate a significant portion of your paycheck to alcohol.
You say potato.. I say vodka.
