That Caught Me Off Guard.

Hellooo Class.

Today i would like to introduce you to a character in my life by the name of Sharon.

Sharon's your typical spaced out home improvement crack addict. If you can picture a butterfly high on sugar water you can picture Sharon.

Sharon is not unlike myself in that she has goals..she's not quiet as focused..butterfly sugar water..but she still reaches for the stars. Bless her heart.

I usually encourage these goals.. but when they involve me..I'm not such a team player. I mean, I am a tiger. I vicious roaring tiger..I don't have time to run with strung out butterflies.

This weekend she approached me about her newest goal. Sewing. Clothes. Sewing outfits to be worn. You can sense my apprehension I'm sure. At first I resisted..but she of course lured me in with false hopes of food and shoes.

We arrived at the Hancock fabric store at 12:00pm on Saturday. I was blissfully unaware of what awaited me inside the glass double doors.

I was thinking about rather or not to get the peep toe pump again or maybe a winter boot for next year when the doors swung open and all hell broke loose.

Let me draw a picture for you: Old ladies. Fabric. 50% off.

The store was packed out like Best Buy on Black Friday. Now I'm not a fan of buying fabric but I immediately went into hunt mode. It's my nature to naturally want to defend the pack and fight for the last piece of meat.

I was grabbing up random pieces of cloth and stuffing them down my shirt as I sprinted to the next rack. Ribbons were flying everywhere. Words I didn't understand were being screamed from all directions. "Elma! Get those fabric scissors!" and .."Rose!! ROSE! Grab that blue velcro!" I can only assume they were speaking German as my Spanish and French are at an advanced level. I wanted to fit in so I shouted "Drive drive we shot a man!!"

Sharon, in true cracked out butterfly form, was flying in and out of rows and screaming things at me as I sensed my stealth mode might be in need. "If ONLY I had my 30/30! damnit!!" I shouted at the ceiling while shaking my fist.

After the decisions had been made and the fabric picked and stolen from other carts...it was time to check out. I'm not sure if you've ever been to a fabric store..but there's math involved..and the only math I know is how much to tip when I tab out. (5 dollars if you were on time with my alcohol..10 if I know you and 15 if I want your number..20 if I'm wasted..cause you did your job.) I quickly decided this was not my scene and darted to the back corner and curled up in the fetal position.

3:34pm we left Hancock fabric. I have never been so exhausted in all my life. And that includes the time I thought it would be a good idea to fly to Italy and back in one day just for lunch. Talk about jet lag. I felt exactly like I did in vietnam when I had to carry two men on my back to escape imprisonment.

As Sharon chattered and flew around my head with a frenzy..all I was thinking about was the vodka in my fridge. I thought to myself.."Self..that is the last time we are letting Sharon lure us in with false promises"...just then Sharon said something that caught my attention.

"Why don't we go into Target for a minute and then we can head to DSW on Bridgestreet?"

"Mom..I'm pretty tired..I didn't know I was going into combat..that does things to a person...did you say DSW?..I'm game."

Victory so Sweet.

"I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious..." -Vince Lombardi

Victory and success are like getting high minus the Mary J. You have to go in like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

There have been several times in my life when I have felt utter and complete success. For example..the first time I got away with drinking as a minor. The first time I got a tattoo and three months lapsed before my parents noticed. The time I was elected chief of a small African tribe. The first time I swam the English Channel without coming up for air...and the first time I shot a deer.

This past weekend I found myself up a tree once again hunting for food for Ma and Paw and little Timmy. Noone told me shotting guns and rubbing dirt on your face was so addicting. This time my handy sidekick was riding shotgun with me. Trusty Ole J. She's like a bird dog but sharper. And usually on her A game.

This time we were both handed guns and allowed to hunt together. Given that we had perfected our Marine hand signals and the ability to see through fire smoke and tear gas.

As we strapped the guns to our backs and headed out to the only place I've ever called home. I silently thought to myself .."Self. chances are you will shoot a deer." Because as my great mentor Muhammad Ali once said "It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges and I believed in myself."

It was still dark as we climbed in the tree stand. Silent like lions waiting for our kill. After two false alarms and the numbing of our extremities we started to lose hope. Failure. Again.

As we made fun of each other and how awkward we would look come spring time with peep toe shoes and our thrid and fourth toes missing, I spotted something to the right.

This is how it played out in Bad Boy 2 style. The distinct opening chords of "Welcome to the Jungle" was playing in the background as an excited rumble went through my chest.

I said ..."Hm. that looks like a deer. Hark it is a deer!"

I slapped J on the leg about fiftyeleven times and screamedwhispered "Look alive J Look alive!!!! The time is NOW"

As I was already standing trying to circulate blood flow.. I quickly cocked my 30/30. J posted up and we aimed in true killer form. I'm sure we looked just like a scene out of the Boondock Saints. Positive. Somewhere in the back of my mind Soul Survivor started to race through my mind and I knew what had to be done. Fire away men. And we shot. HIT HIT HIT PIMP DOWN PIMP DOWN. We leaped from the tree stand in a Tarzan swing and ran to find the victim.

Dead.

As I've said before. Success and victory...they'll make you high. I've never killed something with a gun before. Knife fight..spear throw...the occasional nunchuck to the head.. I was all skilled in. A gun. Well...lets just say..I hope you don't see me on the street.

Sudden movements will get you shot.