I got nothing

It's no secret that I like to drink.

It's also no secret that I love ellen. She is the daily inspiration to my sloppy life. Sometimes when trying to decide what dance move I should randomly throw out..I stop and say "Self..what would ellen do?"

While stalking her daily activities I stumbled across some wise words of ellen and had to post her story.. Simple. Direct. She doesn't know it yet but we're best friends.

She calles this one..Bananas on Board.

"I live high up on a hill. Not at the top. That's where the castle is. I'm right below. The streets are very narrow, winding and long… they're long and winding roads. I'm going to stop quoting songs in just a minute. I noticed that people drive like crazy on these streets. Sometimes cars are parked on both sides of street, which makes it extra narrow and dangerous. Normal people say, "I should go slower, in case a car is coming," but I guess I don’t live around normal people. When I’m driving and I approach someone coming the other way, I slow down, pull over as far as I can and give them that head nod that means, "You go ahead." Usually they just stay there. It's like a four-way stop where nobody makes the first move. So finally, you say, "You had your chance, sucker!" Then you gun it. Then they decide, "Well, maybe I’ll go."

The same thing happens with carts at the liquor store… I mean, the grocery store. There’s always somebody who leaves their cart in the middle of the aisle. I just move it out of the way, but I'll be very casual about it. For some reason, moving someone else's cart seems illegal. I don't know why. It's not even their food yet. They haven't bought it. Technically, you should be able to shop out of their cart if you see something you want. "Oh, these bananas look riper than mine." I think the rule should be: If your shopping cart is blocking the aisle and you’re not around to move it, people should be allowed to shop from your cart… or put extra stuff in. So, if you’re ever at the grocery store checkout line and the guy in front of you says, “These aren’t my bananas!” and then pulls out a five gallon tub of Marshmallow Fluff and says, “I didn’t put this in here!” -- you’ll know I’m somewhere close by."

Why yes. Yes I was in a coma.

After a long successful unconscious weekend in Auburn- land of the free and home of the brave-I returned home only to slip into another coma.

While I promote unconsciousness (Disclaimer: Only if you are the appropriate weight limit. There is nothing that kills a buzz faster than someone shouting "We're out of alcohol" or a fat ass blacking out on an inconvenient table/tv/lamp/door/dog house/pool/bar/barbie fun house/car/floor/garage/roof ect.) This coma was brought on by the flu.

Yes yes ..why did you not get a flu shot some might say. To you I say go to hell.

For four shiny days I have been incoherent. Unable to walk. Unable to speak in complete sentences. Much like the effects alcohol might have on you.

Instead of giving into the coma and trying to convince my mother that the valium and zanax were vitamins..I decided I should use this time to reflect on my situation. While I was hanging over the edge of the toilet trying not to loose all the money I had spent on food in the past month...it hit me. What a great opportunity that lies before me.

The opportunity was this children: If I have all the effects of alcohol ..I can practice! Always be prepared is my motto.

Brilliant.

For four days while my body had lost all sense of balance and my mind whirled with fever and I was sweating uncontrollably (much like a cop situation goes down) I went through a personalized boot camp.

I taped a line down my floor and proceeded to walk it for hours til I was perfect. After that I added heels. Then I even added some clothes. Practice makes perfect.

I also worked on slurring my words and looking people in the eye. And my favorite..I learned how to not yell and/or wobble whilst talking.

Success.

I hope you all get the flu so you can all practice and be better drunks in public.

You Missed Your Calling.

I was recently in Birmingham this weekend with my other half Jill and her husband.Who completes us and works his ass off to keep us happy and feed our ever growing addictions.

Thanks Josh.

I can't recall the story I was telling but in the midst of her peeing on herself she told me I definetly needed to blog. Apparently my life is to hilarious not to ..or to unfortunate not to be put out for the public eye to join in on my humiliation that I call..my every day life.

I was thinking about how in love I am with vodka and came to the conclusion that I needed to publicly show my devotion and undying love. I said to myself "Self..you should try that blog non sense Jill goes on and on about."

So here I sit. Writing about my one true love..vodka..and amoung other things I'm sure.

Let the hilarity ensue.