There are few things in this world that really put rainbows in my belly. Rosies on Friday nights..BB King soul music..a nice steak..Anchorman and making fun of people. To name a few.
I also enjoy ring and runs.. replacing the salt shaker with Goody Powder PM and of course alcohol.
I'm sure some of you have similar hobbies that are equivalently joyous. Maybe a nice bath or scrap booking..I can even imagine some of you gardening...maybe even riding a bike.
The other night trusty J asked if I would go with her to a "meeting"..she promised we would get a couple drinks before and then head over..it is blasphemous to refuse free drinks. So naturally, I agreed. I'm sure during our conversation she told me all about the meeting but I have ADHD and the attention span of a small pea.. so I was squirreling around thinking about ..alcohol or Butterfingers.
After a couple good drinks and some killer conversation with an Old man named Red about lawn mowers....J tells me we gotta go. I lick the last ice cube..kiss red and hop on out of there.
We pull into a church parking lot and head up the walk way. I'm starting to feel funny..not rainbow material. My senses go into overload and I'm starting to think I should probably pull out my night goggles. Just in case.
We go into a back room with chairs and people all around. My third eye says this is a trap. It's a trap. Run. But before I can stealth mode out...I'm swept up into a bear hug. I go into immediate shock..which usually consists of my eyes bugging out my head and my body falling limp..ollowed by a swift kick to the lovetarded person doing the hugging.
Two things you should never do to me. Sneak up on me in the night. And hug me without my knowledge. I hate touching..how do you think SWINE 2009 broke out. Idiots.
Before I can react the door is shut and I'm ushered to a chair..with pamphlets on it. To my absolute horror...it's pamphlets about alcoholism and the "merry go round of denial." WTF.
My eyes shoot to J to see if this is some sick game...only to find she is equally horrified. At this point touching is allowed..because I may thrust my ninja hands into someones throat if I don't have anything to center me. Trusty J sensing my panic reaches out and grabs my hand under the table. We make eye contact for one second and her eyes tell me only one thing. WTF
The meeting starts ...once again lovetard feels the need to express herself by talking about how much love is the room..I swear I thought she was going to break out in song and dance. Then she does the unthinkable. She starts talking about her alcoholic ex husbands and how she will never drink.
Now there are two kinds of people I don't trust. People who don't drink..and people who collect coins.
At this point I am reading ever bit of information in front of me to find out if we are in the 7th circle of hell..cause I swear if I get the stink eye one more time from Loving-Me-McMuffin for trying to whisper to J..I will drop kick her.
The room has filled up and I have discovered that this meeting is for friends and families of alcoholics. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Shit..I don't have many emotions..or feelings but some of the people in there are really messed up all because someone couldn't say when to the Ketel One bottle. Don't drink and drive.
Everyone is going around the circle talking about this is this and that is that..and we're suppose to share. WTF. I'm raking my brain for what happened last episode on the Tudors...what did I have for lunch something ..anything.. then I have it...I'll just tell them how to make the perfect Ketel One dirty martini.
I'm staring off into a corner thinking about squirrels or peanuts..when it's time to close. And before I know it I'm swept up again..and I'm holding hands with some stranger..gross. And we are reciting the serenity prayer. HELL. I am in hell. This has got to be hell.
J drags me out by my collar before I can kick a bitch and we are running to the car. We both get in and slam our doors. J lights one up and I'm searching my purse to see if I have a miniature..a Goody PM...hard drugs. Nothing. I was so disappointed in myself. I turn to face her and we both have stunned looks.
J says "That was not what I was expecting.."
"I need a drink.."
"Me too...same time next week?"
"Yea."
