I did not know that about myself.

Ok. So .. I was not aware that cooking, much like reading smut and drinking alcohol, when done for the pure enjoyment of yourself..can be addicting.

This weekend I went Betty Crocker on everybody's ass. I think perhaps I may have been her in a past life.

I was whipping eggs and cream and baking and chopping and steaming and boiling like a cook off the food network channel.

*Update from last blog...Mtv has contacted me about doing a cooking show..different than the food network. LC from the hills will be my assistant and vodka will be passed around so everyone can get into the spirit. My agents are still working on the negotiations. Apparently they dont want a fire breathing dragon in the kitchen. Word like "liability" are being thrown around. -and now back to your regularly broadcasted channel-*

I EVEN got alittle brave this weekend..or maybe that was just the vodka...and cooked for my brothers and his friends. Now if you want anybody to be your food critic..it's these guys. They can grill and broil and saute and make Paula Dean and Emerald look like Barney making glitter cookies with the kindergartners. Seriously.

I cooked Texas enchiladas and added some secret ingredients. Crack. SSH it's a secret.

And they said and I quote "Banging job B." and I said "banging?" and Steve said "You did the damn thing" and at this point I ran back to the kitchen and rubbed my little fat fingers together in jubilation.

I am now officially the cook of the house. And damnit...look out Paula Dean. I'm not sayin...I'm just sayin.

Orange Balsamic Chicken Thighs with Pecans and Sage Butter Pasta.

So. I have this uncontrollable desire to try new things. And by new things I mean sky diving.
I have a list.
A list I will never put on my blog because if I see ANY of you on CNN being the youngest astronaut to fly in space I will punch a wall. And then I will switch up your mandatory blood test with that of an addicted crack user. I will always be in the wings watching.

Somewhere between the sky diving and creating the worlds most perfect vodka..is having my own cooking show by the time I'm 27.

The first step in having your own cooking show is knowing how to cook. Aside from having killer pots and pans.

Lucky for me I have a side kick willing to help achieve my goal and possibly buy stock in my cooking show should I agree to finance her restaurant with the money I made from all the interviews I did about being the youngest astronaut to fly in space.

We came to the conclusion that we should learn to cook together. Since she has a kitchen and more pots and pans than Williams Sonoma. We tested our theory last night. and I dare say...I'm getting in touch with an agent about my cooking show tomorrow.

Although there were a couple minor accidents..such as my willingness to hold a drainer with a small cup underneath it in order to get the noodle juice. Thus resulting in third degree burns.. only a minor set back. Our dinner turned out to be a fine meal.
Emerald already contacted me about adding it to his menu. I clearly had to tell him to step off.

So after chopping and dicing and boiling and quartering...I realized I may have a multimillion dollar industry about to break through.

I'll keep you post on the cooking show. There's talk of me kicking Rachel Ray's ass.

Follow Along White People

Ketel One and I have come up with 35 bar rules to live by. Enjoy.

1. If you owe someone money.. always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot...and make it irrelevant to everyone.

3. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night. Unless they're drunk...in which case they'll just assume they smoked the whole pack.

4. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
5. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: "Great, now I'm going to get drunk.".." I hate shots." and/or "It’s coming back up."
6. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

7. If someone offers to buy you a drink.. upgrade your liquor preference.

8. Our parents were better drinkers than we are...they just don't want you to know it.
9. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
10. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

11. If you have been roommates/best friends with someone more than six months.. you may drink all their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them one.
12. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

13. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you have never tried.
14. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
15. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

16. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
17. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
18. It’s okay to drink alone..it's less embarrassing.

19. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.
20. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.
21. Lie about your name and life in a bar. Or grossly exaggerate and lean.
22. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking english.

23. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

24. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”
25. Never ask a bartender “What’s good tonight?” they do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

26. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
27. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters.

28. It’s acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking.. you will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

29. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you.. you do not deserve a drink.

30. If you’re going to drink on the job.. drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
31. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
32. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

33. Everyone is your friend when leaving the bar..including the tax cab driver..be sure to tell him how much you love him.

34. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
35. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.