While I promote unconsciousness (Disclaimer: Only if you are the appropriate weight limit. There is nothing that kills a buzz faster than someone shouting "We're out of alcohol" or a fat ass blacking out on an inconvenient table/tv/lamp/door/dog house/pool/bar/barbie fun house/car/floor/garage/roof ect.) This coma was brought on by the flu.
Yes yes ..why did you not get a flu shot some might say. To you I say go to hell.
For four shiny days I have been incoherent. Unable to walk. Unable to speak in complete sentences. Much like the effects alcohol might have on you.
Instead of giving into the coma and trying to convince my mother that the valium and zanax were vitamins..I decided I should use this time to reflect on my situation. While I was hanging over the edge of the toilet trying not to loose all the money I had spent on food in the past month...it hit me. What a great opportunity that lies before me.
The opportunity was this children: If I have all the effects of alcohol ..I can practice! Always be prepared is my motto.
Brilliant.
For four days while my body had lost all sense of balance and my mind whirled with fever and I was sweating uncontrollably (much like a cop situation goes down) I went through a personalized boot camp.
I taped a line down my floor and proceeded to walk it for hours til I was perfect. After that I added heels. Then I even added some clothes. Practice makes perfect.
I also worked on slurring my words and looking people in the eye. And my favorite..I learned how to not yell and/or wobble whilst talking.
Success.I hope you all get the flu so you can all practice and be better drunks in public.
