So. I'm not one of those parents that blogs about their childs life..but since this is hysterical and provokes drinking..here I sit.I'm 23 and my daughter is 3. We're more like sisters so I'm told. We constantly argue and she usually wins with a very strategized five- part debate equipped with essays and research topics to back it up.
There are countless stories I could tell and usually do when I have a drink handy because it calms my nerves. I'm hoping she becomes famous one day so I can hook up with Britney Spears' mom and figure out the best way to write a book on my recovery process.
Today we had to go back to the dermatologist for the third time in a 4-6 week process of removing the bumps she has on her neck and chin. They showed up when she was 1..they told me they would go away and they lied. So here we are burning them off.
By the third time she has a pretty good idea of what is going on. Taking her to the doctor is like wrestling an alligator. And by alligator I mean full blown southern Florida should be previewed on the Crocodile Hunter vicious alligator. It takes 4 nurses the doctor and me to strap her down...I have to strap one leg over hers pull her arms behind her and restrain her like a drug lord.
I sweat bullets. Because she fights and fights and screams and kicks...all the while she is negotiating with me about letting her go.
I decided it would work better to lay her down and force her chin up so the doctor could get those bumps. In the midst of the struggle..my three year old yells out like a truly rugged sailor.."Stop touching me goddamnit!!" Thats right.
My three year old cussed out the doctor.
I'm floored. Time stood still. The room went silent. Everybody held their breath to see what I would do. It took me a good minute to gain composer and spank her. The nurses are trying not to laugh. We finally finish and the doctor.. while laughing.. hands me her chart and tells me I have to come back in three weeks. Terrific.
As I head to the waiting room where Sharon sits..out of harms way...I tell her "She just cussed out the doctor."
Sharon laughs and said "What did she say?"
Breathlessly I say "She said GDit!!"
Sharon.."Hahaa. I hope she didn't hear it from me!"
I'm spent at this point. I look like I've been running 10 miles with my hair down and just decided for kicks I would try 4 hours on the elliptical. My three year old cussed out the doctor and my supposed Beaver Clever angel like mom just said she cusses.
Don't ever have kids. Ever. And if you choose that hell to travel..don't let them hang out at grandmas.
