My alcohol level for the holidays has reached Tara Reid level status. I trust you all did the same.
Between drinking and cooking..and baking and drinking..there were some presents exchanged.
Now I like a good present as much as the rest of the world. especially if they come from the local ABC store wrapped in a pretty slender box with a bow. Or hell I'm a cheap gift whore, you can even please me with a six pack of bud light from your loal Shell station and/or Exxon.
However when your gift giving reaches rock bottom extremes I am forced to make fun of you.
Victim of Choice: Grandma.
Now before you all start screaming you sick bastard slow your roll and read the
following bold below.Grandma is a bag of macadamia nut CRAZY.
Let me break it down for you.
As a small child "crazy" (as ive loving nicknamed her) would feed me smaller helpings of food because I was fat. I would never get pie after dinner. And I love pie. As the years progressed she would send me small newspaper clippings about the latest diets and quickest ways to loose excess belly fat. Whenever I'd come to see her she would mention how I looked like I "put on a couple pounds". I took it in stride though and would wait til she went to bed to eat all of her pie.
Crazy still does this today with the clippings and the coupons of Slim Fast strategically placed in my room. Only now she moved from Montgomery to down the street so she constantly asks when I'm going to come jogging by her house in the morning. "To help tone my thunder thighs."
Now with the clippings and the coupons I'm sure you've concluded she probably gives shitty gifts too. Usually we get old toothpaste, a used pair of socks or if we've been really good, hotel shampoo. If not so good the shampoo is half used.
This year for christmas I got a bar of soap from Crazy. Now..usually I take my present and keep on stepping. Who doesn't need a half used bottle of shampoo? Let's be realistic ..times are hard.
But soap? Come on C?
Not only was it soap...but it was a USED bar of soap. I mean do you just look around your house and say "Hmm...this looks nice..I just used it this morning. If I wrap it in cellophane she won't notice."
Wrong. Wrong Crazy. You're wrong.
As I stated above..Iusually keep on stepping..but not this christmas. OH not this one. Usually there's not quite as much alcohol in my system..so in the true spirit of Christmas I did the following.
I slammed that half used bar of soap down and carefully pronounced each word so as not to slur. "I.DONT.NEED.YOUR.HALF.USED.BAR.OF.SOAP.I.PREFER.THE.COUPONS."
And spun on my heels to quickly go find my Ketel One I had left sitting on my night stand. I heard my brothers snickering to themselves and yelled over my shoulder "At least I didn't get used toothbrushes.." I heard the ripping of paper and the groans of disappointment as I rounded the corner to my room. Maybe Crazy hit rock bottom this year too. I would have gladly taken a can of peas.
It was a long holiday..thank God I have been asleep and drunk and I can't remember all the gory details.
Heres to 09. I hope I'm incoherent for most of the year.
