You Reckon.

I have several goals in life. As I've mentioned before. I know some of you have been asleep and drunk since then so I will revist a few.

For example being in a small movie role starring Kate Hudson and Brad Pitt were Brad Pitt plays my obsessive boyfriend and I am forced to repeatedly tell him to stop humping me. Also taking over the Jimmy Choo franchise. Getting completely sloshed while trying to do the macarena on a Jamaican island with the pool boy named Chico. And obviously perfecting my English accent.

Some of you should incorporate goals into your life plan as well. Even if it's as simple as making pancakes for your loved one.

This weekend I knocked one off the list. Going stealth mode while hunting for deer with my bare hands. I practiced a time or two on the unsuspecting dogs. The trick is to catch them off guard. like "Come here Lady..here girl" and BAM I layed her out. She was only startled for a brief second. Then she tapped out.

Before Waffle House is considered the "sober customers", I was up slapping on my camo..putting on my war paint and tussling my hair to give it the more rugged look. I nearly peed my pants when I was handed a gun. I was prepared to go Rambo on the entire forest so this just upped my chances of taking them by surprise.

As I climbed up into the tree stand to wait..a thought hit me. What if the deer had been warned about me?..I went stealth on Lady the previous night and lets be honest..we've all seen 101 Dalmatians and know how the dog bark works. Nevertheless I wait. And wait. Gun in hand. Eyes bugged out. Hat cocked. Ready. Slowly the day breaks. And it's time to come down from the tree. I'm hungry. I didn't see a damn thing thanks to Lady and I'm starting to reek of sober.

The day passes. I learned how to speak Marion. It sounds alittle like jumbled up syllables and you have to cut out all the proper grammar you know..and then slur your words like a drunk and combine them all like the local crack addicts. I finally got some alcohol in my system and I started to reboot. By midafternoon..like a team player..I was back in the forest eyeing everything that moved.

Leaves were tricking me out..I could hear the trickling of water and the scratching of small field mice. Bitches had it coming. And then BAM. A shot was heard. We gathered quickly in search for our food. A tornado was brewing. The storm was whipping at our hair. The rain was running down our backs. I was in fierce stealth mode searching in the pitch black of the night. All to no avail. The doe had escaped our grasps. The children would starve tonight. We would have to split one bean again.

After such a long barely successful day..I needed a real drink. We headed out to the bar. Of course here in Marion..they do things alittle different. They offer us a drink called Shackwater. I'm thinking...I drink vodka straight every weekend..pour me the Shackwater!

Three drinks in and I can't see straight. Two more pickle shots and I'm not walking. Part of the night is missing. At one point I remember trying to find where we were on a map and texting my baby daddy..."Out riding dirt roads. Be home when I get home." I didn't know up from down. And then we tried to go find the deer that escaped our clutches not so long ago.

I was home by 12. The earliest in my drinking career. It was by far the greatest weekend of my life.

You Belong in a Home

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

My alcohol level for the holidays has reached Tara Reid level status. I trust you all did the same.

Between drinking and cooking..and baking and drinking..there were some presents exchanged.

Now I like a good present as much as the rest of the world. especially if they come from the local ABC store wrapped in a pretty slender box with a bow. Or hell I'm a cheap gift whore, you can even please me with a six pack of bud light from your loal Shell station and/or Exxon.

However when your gift giving reaches rock bottom extremes I am forced to make fun of you.

Victim of Choice: Grandma.

Now before you all start screaming you sick bastard slow your roll and read the

following bold below.

Grandma is a bag of macadamia nut CRAZY.

Let me break it down for you.

As a small child "crazy" (as ive loving nicknamed her) would feed me smaller helpings of food because I was fat. I would never get pie after dinner. And I love pie. As the years progressed she would send me small newspaper clippings about the latest diets and quickest ways to loose excess belly fat. Whenever I'd come to see her she would mention how I looked like I "put on a couple pounds". I took it in stride though and would wait til she went to bed to eat all of her pie.

Crazy still does this today with the clippings and the coupons of Slim Fast strategically placed in my room. Only now she moved from Montgomery to down the street so she constantly asks when I'm going to come jogging by her house in the morning. "To help tone my thunder thighs."

Now with the clippings and the coupons I'm sure you've concluded she probably gives shitty gifts too. Usually we get old toothpaste, a used pair of socks or if we've been really good, hotel shampoo. If not so good the shampoo is half used.

This year for christmas I got a bar of soap from Crazy. Now..usually I take my present and keep on stepping. Who doesn't need a half used bottle of shampoo? Let's be realistic ..times are hard.

But soap? Come on C?

Not only was it soap...but it was a USED bar of soap. I mean do you just look around your house and say "Hmm...this looks nice..I just used it this morning. If I wrap it in cellophane she won't notice."

Wrong. Wrong Crazy. You're wrong.

As I stated above..Iusually keep on stepping..but not this christmas. OH not this one. Usually there's not quite as much alcohol in my system..so in the true spirit of Christmas I did the following.

I slammed that half used bar of soap down and carefully pronounced each word so as not to slur. "I.DONT.NEED.YOUR.HALF.USED.BAR.OF.SOAP.I.PREFER.THE.COUPONS."

And spun on my heels to quickly go find my Ketel One I had left sitting on my night stand. I heard my brothers snickering to themselves and yelled over my shoulder "At least I didn't get used toothbrushes.." I heard the ripping of paper and the groans of disappointment as I rounded the corner to my room. Maybe Crazy hit rock bottom this year too. I would have gladly taken a can of peas.

It was a long holiday..thank God I have been asleep and drunk and I can't remember all the gory details.

Heres to 09. I hope I'm incoherent for most of the year.